And so today starts the rest of my life, well not quite but nearly. I am counting down the days. Do I feel ready, calm, excited? All three or none at all? Am I looking forward to it? Yes….and no. Have I got a plan? Definitely not. So I may just sit here at the computer staring at the green door and red car of the house opposite and wonder. Where does my life journey take me next? I would love to be the sort of person who can just take off around the world with a backpack on their back, find themselves, write about it and come back sorted but I am not, I have three boys and a husband whom I love dearly and so my life is a life more (rather than less) ordinary.
I guess the real issue is that my youngest son has started school (Not just but a few months ago). I am a busy person – although I have never returned to full time paid work since I had my first boy I have served on the committees of several local charities, trained to be an antenatal teacher and taken up quite a bit of evening and weekend time with prospective parents. Great, worked wonderfully whilst my children were at home in the day, but then last spring I started to panic, my youngest boy off to school in September – what would I do with my days? The sensible person would have just waited, mindfully and see what worked out but not me. A job advert flashed across my facebook feed, well within my skill set, in school hours (mostly) in term time (mostly). I applied, I got it and now I have done with it.
The job was too much, well rather not the job but the time it took up. Boy three was still at preschool. I hadn’t given up my other work (the stuff I actually quite enjoy). The housework, washing, shopping, children, ferrying to activities still took up time, but the time wasn’t there. I kept going, boy three will start school in September, all will be well. But all that other stuff still needed to be done and actually I would quite like to fulfil my roles as wife and mother by being there completely, not just in body whilst my mind plans the logistics of the next few hours. To be present when building lego spaceships with boy three, watching boy one play some mind-numbing game on the tablet, playing cafes with boy two and to listen to my husband when he is sharing his thoughts. So to this end, I put down my phone when the boys were home (mostly), and then handed in notice on my job. Five weeks later I have two more days to go.
I am a little embarrassed by this whole state of affairs. I have friends who also have three children, working partners who often travel, have worked part time throughout the lifespan of their children and seem to manage to carry off everything they need to (plus renovate a house or two) without batting an eyelid – their houses look immaculate (mine is always on the messy side of tidy). AND…..they don’t even have a cleaner I do and have done since I was pregnant with boy 2).
So where does this leave me and where shall I go next? I have ideas but no plans. I need to take a few weeks (probably it should be months but not sure I will be able to hold out that long) to be present in my life, reflect and spend time thinking about which path my future will take. It needs to be a good one and I have the luxury to be in control and choose.